On 27 March 2012, I had an interesting day. Okay, I don’t remember much of that day, but I do remember the evening.
My cousin had a friend over for dinner, and whilst we wined, dined and enjoyed lovely desserts, nothing that was about to hit me next, remotely passed through my mind. That moment existed entirely by itself. No past or future interruptions. Just the present.
The next day for me was an early one, and far away from home in unfamiliar territory, I wanted to be prepared. I silently crept away from our dinner, went to the room, took out my clothes and just casually glanced over to my cell phone as I always do.
What did I miss? A few missed calls from my brother.
Now, I don’t usually panic, but in today’s day and age when people start calling you and don’t resort to communicating via social networks, then you know something’s up. Something either great, or not so great.
In this event, it was something not so great. My brother questioned and insisted it was true, I did not believe him. He said “Go onto Facebook.”, and there it all was, sympathetic messages and those three letters separated by full stops “R.I.P”, that we all dread.
I still could not believe it, I tried calling a friend I stopped speaking to for months, whose phone was off, then I tried other friends and when I finally got through to someone, my questions had been answered and I knew the saddest truth, I’d ever know.
My friend, T.Y.C, of seven years passed away, he died, in a horrible car crash. He’s gone.
I fell to the ground in shock, and cried my eyes out. I could not and still cannot believe it. His presence is within me, but he is lost.
He made me feel like a million bucks, he loved me and I loved him back like I have never loved anyone. When I thought about my future, he was in it. He always told me “Chanelle, my love, you’re going to be THAT GIRL in my first music video.” , and I’d always shyly respond “Yaaaa, Thato.”
I miss him so much. Somehow I couldn’t make his memorial or funeral. Life got in the way and as deeply filled as I am with regret, I know he forgives me, above all it was not meant to be.
The lessons I’ve gained from his being and death is to live for today, love, smile, laugh, be happy, be kind, forgive, and to mostly be yourself.
I frequently zone out and stare into space, thinking about him and it is as if he’s looking right back at me. I cry. I cry a hell of a lot thinking about him, reminiscing.
I yearn to tell him that I love him, and that I appreciate him. The tiniest things he did for me impacted my life like you can’t believe. He kept our friendship gold, without seeing or hearing from me for 2 years, when we finally reunited – it was as if neither of us left.
I know his soul roams about all his loved ones, and that he’s watching over all of us. BUT, I still cannot fathom that he’s not here. He’s not here. My friend whose hand I once held, voice I once heard, smile I once appreciated, is not here. Someone I could easily communicate with, is not here.
Have you lost a close friend or loved one? How did you react or handle it?
I’m waiting for the day till T.Y.C, walks up to me and says “Here I am”, till then he will always live in my heart, mind and soul, and his death will be a lesson I hold dearly to my thoughts & the way I live.
Love those around you unconditionally, live today as if tomorrow does not exist.
With Love, Chanelle.